i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
