happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
