I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
