my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me