You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
