You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
