Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
