We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
either way he was missing a nipple.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
