I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
