I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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