I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
