so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
