i think my mom watched the whole time
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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