i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
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Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
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You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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