I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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