When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
