Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I licked your asshole in confidence.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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