Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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