Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
