Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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