actually, I'm a sock model
He passed out mid-signature
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
