she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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