I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
