So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
