if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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