I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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