I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
