My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
