i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
