You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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