I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
