i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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