Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
