i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
