I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
