i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he puts the penis in happiness.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
