I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
