Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
