is your mom at the bar?
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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