2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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