Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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