The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
