ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
