If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
