Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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