One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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