It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
