I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
