Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
