Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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