I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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