everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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