Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
