I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
