Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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