I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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