How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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