I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
